COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

By Beth Outtrim

 

This month’s book, Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life, by Marshall B. Rosenberg reminds of one of the books we read last year, The Places That Scare You, by Pema Chöndrön.  Not from the content so much as from the perspective that there is so much in the book to work with, to grow from, that to try and encapsulate or distill it into a paragraph or a twenty-minute talk is nearly impossible. 

 

I went to the website, www.cnvc.org, for help.  Under the section for trainings I came across the following quote about becoming a Certified Nonviolent Communicator that helped me sum up what I wanted to say:

 

“CNVC brings a unique perspective to trainers who want to become CNVC Certified Trainers… The Certification Team members who support trainer candidates on their journey toward certification are called "assessors." They create a partnership with a candidate -- what we call a “power with” process, rather than domination or “power over.” This paradigm shift allows assessors to carry out their roles in a spirit of shared respect and shared power…”

 

Dr. Rosenberg’s point is so well represented in that paragraph.  It immediately changed this whole piece.  He writes about all kinds of situations where we do violence to others and ourselves, not in ways we normally consider as violence but by shutting them down, coming across to them like we’re better than they are – power over. 

 

Here’s a simple example:  A business associate was explaining what was going on in his life.  Instead of empathizing, per Dr. Rosenberg’s recommendation, I immediately told him what I thought he should do!  The result is not too surprising once you’ve read Nonviolent Communication.  The business associate quickly brought the conversation to a close and I left feeling uneasy, dissatisfied with my actions.

 

This is a great example from two different standpoints; not only did I show by business associate my “power over” him by coming off as the “know-it-all” and telling him what he should do, I then turned around and did the same thing to myself.  “Boy, you really screwed that one up.  You should have asked him more questions.  What makes you think you’re so smart?” 

 

Dr. Rosenberg explains that our language evolved from people who were educated which, in past times, were the people who ruled.  Therefore, our language is framed around “should”, “have to”, ‘must”, etc. - not only to others but to ourselves.  It hurts others, it hurts us, and it perpetuates violence.  The challenge is not solely to change what we do and what we say but to change how we think and what we tell ourselves.